Monday, March 1, 2010

Masculine Contours

Lately, Sam has taken to expressing his displeasure in a most disgusting way. He's marking in the house. I know it's not a physical illness because when and where he marks are very predictable. He marks when he's left in the house while I take other dogs outside. He marks when I take Moira to agility and he's home with Understanding Housemate (who really earns the title on this one). Basically, he's marking when he feels he is not being treated as the center of the Universe. Save me from crotchety old men.

He's earned himself a new piece of apparel to combat this issue; a belly band. His is a stylish and reasonably masculine model in faded denim and he wore it for the first time this weekend - after I finished laughing hysterically over the directions for use.

The directions started off just fine - remove from package, wash first with the Velcro closure closed, use the brand name absorbent pad and place it over the mesh area on the inside of the band ( I cheated and used a human incontinence pad) and then things got a little strange. The next portion of the directions indicated how to place the band around your dog's midsection - being sure to cover his "masculine contours." What? His WHAT? There are probably a million euphemisms for that particular piece of male anatomy - my personal favorite is wenus - but MASCULINE CONTOURS????

Once I finished cackling, I carefully wrapped the band around Sam's mid-section - being sure to cover his masculine contours - and turned him loose. Several hours later, when I removed the band I discovered it had done it's job. Guess the directions were right.


  1. When Chase first comes home from a road trip, he is very bad in the house. It's as if he must go through and re-establish his dominion over all things living there. It only lasts a day or so -- my obvious unhappiness and the ignominy of the belly band play a part I think. Thank goodness, the belly band I bought did not refer to "masculine contours". I would have been laughing to hard to properly install it.

  2. That's a riot. Oh the indignity!

  3. So far, Sam doesn't seem to be feeling much indignity. He was perfectly happy to wear his belly band around the house and pee in it.